Wednesday, February 16, 2005

What do you do?

What do you do when the world drops out on you? On Sunday I was at the St Kilda Festival, wishing I'd put thought into what I was wearing. Monday I was at the zoo caring about what friends thought of my girl throwing a tantrum because she was tired. Tuesday I was concerned that my mother wouldn't live to see me turn thirty and that if she did she wouldn't remember me...

What do you do when your mother comes out and tells you that the doctor just called, she doesn't have cancer, her blood pressure's very low, there's no reason to be concerned except that the doctors scanned her brain and believe she has Alzheimers. At 49. What do you do?

I was brave but now it is Wednesday and I'm alone. My childs asleep and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking how unfair it is. I can't stop wondering how and if and why. I can't stop thinking of all the horrible things I found out when I researched the disease. The 10 year life expectancy. The memory loss. The confusion. The total dependence.

This is my mother. She's beautiful and well educated and kind and loving. This is my mother. And I don't know what to do.

posted by johana at 1:16 pm

2 Comments:

  • wow. what a debut...
    i'm glad you've decided to blog, if this post here is any indication of what's in you.

    re: Mum
    it seems trite and empty to say "i'm sorry." i'm available if you feel the need to bitch, moan, cry, wail, gnash teeth, or whatever strikes you.

    wish i could do more, tho. if i were there not here, i'd take you out for a drink and leave the kiddies with xade, Satan, and the xBox. well, on second thought...leave out the xBox, lest the children be completely neglected...

  • thank-you bran.

    it's not very asthetically pleasing round here though, ey... if you wanted to help out- this is me shouting but only if you have the time and whatnot...

    By Blogger johana, at 8:52 pm  
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