We were standing by her graveside and all I could think of was how
utterly inadequate I feel in the face of death but worse, how poor I
was in her life. She used to want me to call her more and I didn't.
She wanted to see the kids more and I didn't make it happen. She had
her issues and because I had my own shit to deal with I put off making
contact with her. And then she died.

I didn't think people just died like that. Indy asked me why and I
told her to feel her little heartbeat. "Nana X's heart just stopped
beating"

Surely peoples hearts don't just stop beating though. How does a
thing like that just happen? And at 44. Surely that's not right.
Surely that's not fair.

I hoped she realised what a remarkable woman I thought she was. How I
had appreciated her honesty even if I hadn't always really wanted to
hear what she had to say. How I admired her generosity and unfettered
compassion especially in the face of having more than enough of her
own to deal with. How I admired her.

Standing there at her graveside I just hoped that she realised that me
being inadeqate was just that- my failing, not hers.