Thursday, March 31, 2005
hey god. it's jo calling...
I was brought up in a pretty strict Baptist family at least till I was 7. When I was 7 the church kicked out the minister because his wife was associating with the daughters of the devil ie rape victims and my parents seperated. This all served to bring about changes in the no smoking, no drinking, no swearing, no Santa environment my mum had till then, had happening. All the same it was church every Sunday, prayers every night and 'God Bless You' as I went to sleep. Throughout I believed fiercely, privately and largely unquestioningly.
Then came the great disenchantment. I found out that I didn't at all like a great number of Christian folk. Not based on personality but based on belief structures and how they lived their faith, or didn't live it as the case may be. Then I decided it wasn't Christian people I didn't like but 'The Church' itself and what it seemed to foster in church-goers. I'm referring here to the judgement, intolerance, self-righteousness and hypocrisy that's been rife in every church I've been too.
Ever since I've been constructing and refining a belief structure in my head. I have my own delicatly balanced set of prinicples and what not in my head.
Some times I still find myself longing for the old ways though. I just want someone else to tell me what to believe. I want 2000 years of excuses to fall back on when I'm questioned. I want all the love and compassion and communion I was assured was real when I was a child.
More than anything I want a fall back position when I don't have the words. I want to be able to put happy endings on everything. Heavens a wonderful place, it's Gods Will, angels and eternal life and all things that are good and sweet unless you stray from the clearly marked path.
I know all the right things to say and do but I just don't feel it anymore.
Then came the great disenchantment. I found out that I didn't at all like a great number of Christian folk. Not based on personality but based on belief structures and how they lived their faith, or didn't live it as the case may be. Then I decided it wasn't Christian people I didn't like but 'The Church' itself and what it seemed to foster in church-goers. I'm referring here to the judgement, intolerance, self-righteousness and hypocrisy that's been rife in every church I've been too.
Ever since I've been constructing and refining a belief structure in my head. I have my own delicatly balanced set of prinicples and what not in my head.
Some times I still find myself longing for the old ways though. I just want someone else to tell me what to believe. I want 2000 years of excuses to fall back on when I'm questioned. I want all the love and compassion and communion I was assured was real when I was a child.
More than anything I want a fall back position when I don't have the words. I want to be able to put happy endings on everything. Heavens a wonderful place, it's Gods Will, angels and eternal life and all things that are good and sweet unless you stray from the clearly marked path.
I know all the right things to say and do but I just don't feel it anymore.
posted by johana at
6:08 pm
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If you know God's will, then I bow to you, your holiness. If you're like the rest of us, then you know that there are no easy answers. As far as I'm concerned, the hundreds of little things we do for each other every day are the equivalent of any miracle in the Bible. The best line Jesus ever spoke was: "Love your neighbor as you yourself would be loved."
There's a difference between *THE* church and *A* church, in my opinion. The former (no matter the denomination) is an institution made up of an intricate set of rules and regulations passed down over the centuries.
The latter is an association of friends who help you get through this life as best we can. They're getting hard to find these days, but I hope there's one near you, be it Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist or even your local coven of witches. A nice pub works, too.