Sick, it's me! On the green jelly bean! And holy crap am I happy about it. Just look at this low quality proof:

I need to talk to you about a few things. Things that I've taken up as hobbies. Not like boring stuff, not like "I really enjoy water fights and making potpourri." Because those are both very private hobbies, and also very ficional. You know... I don't really like those things. Water fights are like being peed on by your friends, except without the pee.

I'm talking about stuff that completely contradicts my new found faith in both Chaoism and Buddhism. These are true stories.

The first one; stealing.

Now stealing is great. You can do it from anywhere. Man, I can steal episodes of Lost season 3 from my bedroom. This is cool 'n'all because hey, I've seen the first episode and the rest of these English losers have not. But that's not real stealing. That's downloading. Downloading is for nerds! But I can't help myself, they don't call me Klepto Joe for nothing. I suggested Klepto Hamish but apparently it's cooler if it rhymes.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, I really wanted to steal a car. I targeted my friend and plotted the whole damn thing. Realising I couldn't just smash the window and hotwire it, even got me a team. A 2 man team. I was one man, I was the driver, but there was an inside man too. His job was to distract the owner, and toss me the keys from a second floor window and then distract the owner. In hindsight, he did all the hard work. My job was to roll the car down the drive way then drive it up the road.

It was a thrill! But I realised that I didn't really want to steal stuff, I just wanted to move shit around when no one is looking. I think a lot of people have the same desire. If you say to a group of people "Hey, let's totally rearrange everything in [Someone's] house and when they get back they will freak! lol!" Lol, you will say. And they'll do it! The temptation is wayyyy too much.

The second hobby is lying. Lying is wicked, there's nothing like saying something that just IS not true. Dig? I'm always doing it. But I don't do it to get out of trouble or something. Like "As far as I remember, that door never had any hinges." or "I know I said I'd come to your show, but I just got employed at the zoo - late shift. So..." Those lies don't fly. Let me help you.

The best way to lie, is to tell someone something that they didn't ask about and something that will never effect them. "So Syria is being declassified as a country," you could say, "Yeah, it's gonna be like a sub country. Everyone who lived in Syria is going to be classed as Turkish. I know, weird." And then change the subject.

Better yet, tell them a lie that doesn't make sense. "So... I hear Harry Potter died."

It fun, really. Don't be afraid to share your results.