Everything has been brought into this extreme clarity.
I feel good in myself.
I'm ok with just about everything.
I'm looking forward to the future for the first time in such a long time.

I think I might actually be happy. :D

Like not just "happy" but actually happy. At peace.

This is great.

:D :D :D

Excitement.

If everything goes to plan, we'll be in England in like July.

The only thing we're waiting on now is for our tax returns to come back and then this happy little VISA should be ours!  :D

After that it's just a matter of getting clearence to enter, the xadey one getting a job and we're off.  Or perhaps the otherway around, which is kinda scary.  The other way around would be xade heading over and then us following when he gets work.  eep...  But still so exciting. 

:D 

Rainy rainy snow.

With any luck, it will freeze over night and we can skate our cars to work.

Otherwise, and this is more likely, the English will panic at the sight of said snow and icey ice and the country will come to a stand still. Whereas in other countries that have snow, everyone will laugh and say "It's just a bit of snow."

I just had someone visit here searching for "pregnancy 2 sacs nothing in one" on google.

I just wanted to say that, if they come back, that I hope they're doing ok. 

It was kinda traumatic to see that on my first ultrasound and when the empty sac broke and nearly took out Dorian I thought I was going to break. 
But it all turned out peachy in the end. 

I hopes that it turns out peachy for them.

Peachy is so my new word.

So... Who wants to be drinking with me on Thursday night?

I shall be the ripe old age of 24 after midnight and I'd kinda like to not be sober at the time. ; )

We'll be headed here.

Give me a heads up if you're planning on coming so I know whether to stress about it or not. :P

Heh... It's funny how history repeats itself. I'm feeling this familiar tightening in my chest again...

Everyone must see Pan's Labyrinth. 

It's much better than the linked review makes it sound.  Wikipedia gives the whole game away though.
A fairytale, it's dark and brutal and wonderful.

Meh.  I tried to actually review it but I can't do it justice.  Just go see it.  It's great. 

I'm feeling a tad stalked.

Who's ISP runs through Croydon North and is this- 60.224.26.# number? 

And uses Telstra.

And has a Mac.

And comes here via Teigans blog... 

Stupid hospital. So was there actually any news yesterday?

*tries to think of fuck-off-painkiller-proof ways to remind Jo to keep her public informed*

Can I come round and give you a tattoo? I doubt it will hurt much, under the circumstances

--
Posted by teigan to the green jellybean at 1/16/2007 06:17:03 PM

No you can't come around and give me a tattoo...  Unless you have mad, so far undivulged,  tattoo giving skills.  If so - I want a wee stick figure climbing my spine.  :P

As for my health- still no news.  I'm still hurty and the medication I'm on is still making me feel like crap but only 5 days till I get to find out exactly what's going on.  This has got to be a good thing.  Too much time + fuzzy thoughts = not a happy jojobean.  

On a more positive note - It's my birthday in exactly 7 days so I *will* be all fixed up by then.  :D  And there shall be drinking and festivities and invites for everyone.  We're going to have gin punch I believe.  I don't actually like gin so much but they look cute in their little jugs so I'm sure fruity and delicious is what they shall be.  

And there shall be fireworks.  For me.  And they are just for me.  I have the spoon and cup to prove it.  :P  

This is coming in a bit late.

Late enough to even be called my Birthday  Resolution, really.  Given that my birthday is exactly a week away.  Good old birthday.

Everyone has bad shit happen to them as a kid, this I know. 
My shit was that my first sexual experience was one of abuse. 
In my sleep actually. 
By my step brother.

I decided that it would be best not to tell anyone, least of all my mother and that I would deal with it...  eventually.  The way I decided to deal with it being that when I could forgive fuckface, I would feel better.  This decision was inspired by a childhood spent in the church.  (I was actually living in a church at one stage)  I prayed every night for the strength to be able to forgive.  I pleaded.  I bargained.  I beat myself up over it time and time again.  I thought god might help me.  God did not. 

During this 'trying to forgive' phase and afterwards I did this whole spiralling out of control thing.  It was a neat trick.  How to hurt yourself and alienate your loved ones in several easy steps.  I slept around.  I got used.  I used other people.  This one time I got myself drugged and lost five hours.  Another time, I had this fucked up flirtation with a 36 year old (me being 16) that I was absolutely terrified of.  This other time I nicked off to Sydney without telling anyone and had a threesome.  Good times.  At least it makes for some interesting stories to tell when tipsy. 

Anyhoo... 
So a couple of years on when I'm actually suitable numb and trolling along in my own little la la land I meet this guy.  Totally out of my league.  Totally drop-the-milk worthy.  As luck would have it, he fancies me.  I made short work of ditching the loser boyfriend and falling in love with this new feller.  Or was it the other way around?  Details...  Life is peachy.  Two kids, a house.  Everyone's enjoying doing the happy family thing for the most part.

Then last year I get raped. 

Who woulda thunk it. 

And to deal with the rape? 

I, and this bit is a bit funny, did exactly what I did the first time but in fast forward.  I tried to forgive, failed at forgiving, drank a heap, found a loser to sleep with and slept with him.  Amazing.  And people say they learn from their mistakes?  Not this little red duck. 

So this year I'm going to try to actually deal.

I don't want the numbness.
I don't want the low self-worth.
I don't want the anger or the sadness.
I don't want to model any of this to my daughter.

I don't want to be that girl I was before fuckface came along either. 
All dreams and hopes and the world is nifty. 
Rose coloured glasses and all that...

But I wouldn't mind having some of it back. 

... pain medication.

Life is good. 

Aside from the fact that I need pain medication.

And the fact that the other medication makes my tongue swell up and me all nauseous and whatnot.

According to all my boxes, I can't drink alcohol (Mr Mysterio will be pleased), take iron or calcium supplements, take aspirin, or (this ones the kicker) get any sun on me. 

And my mental alertness and co-ordination are, evidently, affected.

Ah yeah.  And if I don't eat enough before I take them I may do my bowels and stomach serious damage.  I'm kinda used to - if you don't eat before taking meds you might feel ill, but not - you may do serious damage  to your bowels and stomach so they wont work anymore.  And I can't lie down either, after taking them.  Otherwise, apparently, my oesophagus could very well ulcerate.

Spell check is a wonderful thing. 

So yes.

And I haven't even been properly diagnosed yet.  I go back to the good ol' hospital on Monday.

Wish me luck.

Doctor, doctor what am I here for?

Can't you see that I don't need this place?

I don't need these walls, I'm no threat at all.

Et cetera.
Hamish.