Friday, January 19, 2007

My New Years Resolution

This is coming in a bit late.

Late enough to even be called my Birthday  Resolution, really.  Given that my birthday is exactly a week away.  Good old birthday.

Everyone has bad shit happen to them as a kid, this I know. 
My shit was that my first sexual experience was one of abuse. 
In my sleep actually. 
By my step brother.

I decided that it would be best not to tell anyone, least of all my mother and that I would deal with it...  eventually.  The way I decided to deal with it being that when I could forgive fuckface, I would feel better.  This decision was inspired by a childhood spent in the church.  (I was actually living in a church at one stage)  I prayed every night for the strength to be able to forgive.  I pleaded.  I bargained.  I beat myself up over it time and time again.  I thought god might help me.  God did not. 

During this 'trying to forgive' phase and afterwards I did this whole spiralling out of control thing.  It was a neat trick.  How to hurt yourself and alienate your loved ones in several easy steps.  I slept around.  I got used.  I used other people.  This one time I got myself drugged and lost five hours.  Another time, I had this fucked up flirtation with a 36 year old (me being 16) that I was absolutely terrified of.  This other time I nicked off to Sydney without telling anyone and had a threesome.  Good times.  At least it makes for some interesting stories to tell when tipsy. 

Anyhoo... 
So a couple of years on when I'm actually suitable numb and trolling along in my own little la la land I meet this guy.  Totally out of my league.  Totally drop-the-milk worthy.  As luck would have it, he fancies me.  I made short work of ditching the loser boyfriend and falling in love with this new feller.  Or was it the other way around?  Details...  Life is peachy.  Two kids, a house.  Everyone's enjoying doing the happy family thing for the most part.

Then last year I get raped. 

Who woulda thunk it. 

And to deal with the rape? 

I, and this bit is a bit funny, did exactly what I did the first time but in fast forward.  I tried to forgive, failed at forgiving, drank a heap, found a loser to sleep with and slept with him.  Amazing.  And people say they learn from their mistakes?  Not this little red duck. 

So this year I'm going to try to actually deal.

I don't want the numbness.
I don't want the low self-worth.
I don't want the anger or the sadness.
I don't want to model any of this to my daughter.

I don't want to be that girl I was before fuckface came along either. 
All dreams and hopes and the world is nifty. 
Rose coloured glasses and all that...

But I wouldn't mind having some of it back. 


posted by johana at 1:34 pm

13 Comments:

  • i hope 2007 brings a better year for you and that you get some peace of mind.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:53 pm  
  • An excellent resolution and bold, excellent blogging - 10 points

    I would applaud, if blogger facilitated that kind of thing

    To me, incidentally, forgiveness is a two-stage process

    You can forgive in your own mind - and that's something

    But at the end of the day it's hard to truly forgive someone for something unless they're actually, like, sorry and want to be forgiven and shit

    I don't know, these things can be very complex - and I'm talking more about my own issues than yours (obviously)

    But forgiving someone when they're not actually sorry.. I dunno.. it can be done, but it seems very Christian to me

    And by 'Christian' I mean 'masochistic and stupid'

    By Blogger teigan, at 3:01 pm  
  • PS The world isn't always nifty - that cannot be contested

    But your world can be whatever you want it to be

    I have found

    Provided one has The Will to make it thus

    That's all you need


    (Man, I should be a motivational speaker)

    (Or not..)

    By Blogger teigan, at 3:06 pm  
  • I'm speechless

  • nice.

    you're not just kicking monday's ass,
    you're kicking 2007's ass.

    y'know, in a "2007 is going to kick ass" way,

    not a "2007 is going to get its ass kicked" way.

    perhaps i need to rethink my original phrasing, ey.


    /hungover tangent


    point being: 2007, i think it's gonna be a good un

    :)

    By Blogger lady j, at 3:52 am  
  • It's definitely possible to forgive someone even when they're not sorry.

    People who forgive others are strong people. Forgiveness always comes from a position of strength. If you're not strong, you can't forgive. If you're a weakened mess, you don't have what it takes to forgive, therefor you shouldn't try. How one goes from being a weakened mess to a strong person is a question that can be difficult to answer.

    It can happen without you even being aware of it, until one day you look back and realize how far you've come. But usually it requires making all the hard decisions and facing all the painful truths hidden in the recesses of your mind. It's a process that most people don't have the balls to engage in.

    But there is one way to know if you've made it into the arena of strong people, and that's when you automatically forgive those who are weaker than you. First you feel pity, then you realize that you also forgive.

    You'll look at those that rape and see a scared little boy - no longer a demon or monster, just a pathetic little boy and you'll just feel total pity. And those that act violently, you just pity, and people with hate in them, you pity.

    Basically, when you're strong, you'll see all transgressions as the result of weakness; you'll pity, then forgive.

    Forgiveness is a side effect of being a strong person, it just comes naturally. The question is never, how do I forgive?, it's, how do I become a strong person?

    I'm not strong enough yet to forgive a lot of things, but I'm sure the stronger I get the more I'll forgive.

    Good post though. Honesty is better than sex. And only as a born again virgin, can I say that with a straight face ;)

    By Blogger Li, at 12:37 am  
  • Teigan - Well aren't you just a little ray of sunshine! :D
    I think that the world can be rotten and hard but you can be nifty in it. ; )

    American Guy - So have I been. For far too long.

    Lady J - "point being: 2007, i think it's gonna be a good un"
    :D Here's hoping. My year starts from the Chinese New Year, incidentally. Good old Chinese and their second chances.

    Li-

    Hmm... I agree that forgiveness comes from a place of strength but I've always seen pity as a rather hateful feeling.

    I see rape and violence as weak and pathetic acts. They are the result of weak and small people trying to exert control, in my mind. They are pitiable people but they're not always easy to forgive. I think pity creates tolerance and acceptance and the feeling of being above the person who hurt you but I don't think forgiveness is, at least initially, linked to the person who committed the transgression.

    I think forgiveness comes from a place of peace.
    I think that that peace comes when you are again ok within yourself.

    I think to truly forgive, I'd need to be truly at peace with what has happened and who I am as a result. To truly forgive the people who've hurt me, I'd need to forgive myself for letting it happen.

    By Blogger johana, at 10:21 am  
  • To flip the forgiveness thing around -

    I've had people 'forgive' me for transgressions they perceived me as having made against them.

    Only problem was - I wasn't sorry and I didn't want their 'forgiveness'. My supposed transgressions were either things for which i did not feel responsible, or things I perceived as being deserved acts of retribution.

    Their uninvited, unwanted 'forgiveness' made them feel terribly strong and virtuous, no doubt - but it just made them look small, pious, petty and pathetic from where I was standing.

    As such, I'd never forgive anyone for something they did to me, unless they were actually sorry. I don't want to be that 'forgiving' person. They're an idiot.

    Also - why should you forgive an unrepentant party, when you can exact revenge upon them, and acquire peace of mind that way?

    It depends on the context to a degree, I spose. In some situations that's not possible or appropriate to exact revenge. But when it is, I would argue it's almost your resposibility to do this. Otherwise, they may do whatever they did again - to you, or to someone else.

    Admittedly, often the best form of revenge is simply to cease giving a crap about someone; cease allowing them to mess up your shit.

    That's not the same as forgiveness, though. Not in my book.

    Incidentally - pity, whilst often mistaken for compassion by the practitioner, is actually an insidious form of contempt.

    >To truly forgive the people who've hurt me, I'd
    >need to forgive myself for letting it happen.

    In any case, this is what it comes down to - being okay with oneself.

    *shrugs*

    Each to their own.

    By Blogger teigan, at 2:51 pm  
  • (As a great man once said:

    "Words, words, words.")

    By Blogger teigan, at 2:57 pm  
  • Heh... revenge, as it turns out, can lead to the other party feeling vindicated.

    By Blogger johana, at 3:00 pm  
  • Only if you do it wrong!

    I'm a big fan of revenge. Psychological revenge, especially. Honing my technique in this arena is a lifelong hobby of mine.

    Make them suffer. Ensure that they know why they are suffering - but do not, as a rule, allow them to feel victimised or sinned against - unless there are dynamics in play that will result in this feeling causing them to suffer even more.

    But ultimately they must know that it is their fault they are suffering - not yours.

    Sit back and enjoy.

    It's a subtle art, but a hugely satisfying one.

    By Blogger teigan, at 3:27 pm  
  • :D I have a story to tell you. I take it you'll be coming to my birthday drinks?

    By Blogger johana, at 3:38 pm  
  • - Jo
    “Hmm... I agree that forgiveness comes from a place of strength but I've always seen pity as a rather hateful feeling.”

    I think the hateful feeling can come from the person who is being pitied, especially when they don’t believe – in their constant self-righteousness – that they deserve pity. But to actually pity someone is to feel sadness or sorrow for another, never hate. If someone told you that they pitied you, I’m sure it would be natural for you to have hateful feelings toward them. It is thus assumed, that to really hurt someone, you should “act” as though you pity them. That’s not real pity, that’s just hateful one-upmanship.



    “I think pity creates tolerance and acceptance and the feeling of being above the person who hurt you but I don't think forgiveness is, at least initially, linked to the person who committed the transgression.”

    I think it’s natural for a parent to feel pity for their child in certain circumstances, especially when a child’s bad behaviour can be attributed to their misunderstanding of the world. It’s the parent’s job to stand above their child, and through their pity, continue to rebuke and guide that behaviour. It’s never okay to tolerate and accept it, that’s just weak. I’m not sure I get the gist of the last part of your sentence though, maybe you could expand?




    - Teigan
    “I've had people 'forgive' me for transgressions they perceived me as having made against them.”

    ”Only problem was - I wasn't sorry and I didn't want their 'forgiveness'. My supposed transgressions were either things for which i did not feel responsible, or things I perceived as being deserved acts of retribution.”

    ”Their uninvited, unwanted 'forgiveness' made them feel terribly strong and virtuous, no doubt - but it just made them look small, pious, petty and pathetic from where I was standing.”


    Yeah, it sucks to be pitied. Either this person was acting out their pity to get at you, or they truly did feel as though they were above you and strong enough to feel actual pity. In the first example they are weak and petty, in the second, you are for caring.


    “Also - why should you forgive an unrepentant party, when you can exact revenge upon them, and acquire peace of mind that way?”

    It comes down to a choice. If you actually believe you can gain peace of mind from childish retribution, then that is definitely the choice to take. Otherwise, become strong and forgive.


    “It depends on the context to a degree, I spose. In some situations that's not possible or appropriate to exact revenge. But when it is, I would argue it's almost your resposibility to do this. Otherwise, they may do whatever they did again - to you, or to someone else.”

    I think you’re confusing revenge with a moral argument about how to deal with threats. Revenge is vindictive; it’s not punishment for rehabilitations sake. A person who pities and forgives someone, can still, and should still exact any punishment they can to save themselves, and others from further threats.

    “Admittedly, often the best form of revenge is simply to cease giving a crap about someone; cease allowing them to mess up your shit.
    That's not the same as forgiveness, though. Not in my book.”

    Absolutely. Reduce them to a speck and continue to stand tall. Forgiveness can come later, if you’re strong enough.

    “Incidentally - pity, whilst often mistaken for compassion by the practitioner, is actually an insidious form of contempt.”

    I don’t agree. I think it’s only true for those who pretend pity to irk someone.

    “In any case, this is what it comes down to - being okay with oneself.”

    True dat, but a fucking hard thing to accomplish sometimes. Here’s to trying.

    By Blogger Li, at 12:43 am  
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